So you’re in Paris and you’re desperate for some high quality pre-Halloween music culture. A quick check in any good listings guide will lead you to the mega-cool Pitchfork Festival at the Grande Halle de la Villette on October 27, 28 and 29.
But you’re broke, and short of finding a winning lottery ticket on a seat in the metro, or learning that you’re the surprise heir to long lost aunt Julie’s fortune (why didn’t anybody in the family mention her?), your chances of getting hold of a 3-day ticket for this year’s bonanza, are close to zero.
But help is at hand with this 5-option, practical guide to getting into Pitchfork for FREE!
Option 1 – Get a free pass
Pitchfork Paris hasn’t built its reputation for top quality music festivals from thin air. No. Like all festivals, they give free passes to key influential people who will help spread the word. What do you mean you’re not a key influential person? Get out there, start a vlog, Tweet, Instragram and Snapchat your rock credentials to a faithful and ever-growing following. Then when your content is looking undeniably influential call up the organisers and ask for your press pass. Bask in the glory of being on the list!
Option 2 – Blag your way in
This involves acting (sometimes also known as lying). You will need: expensive-looking clothes, an entourage of beautiful people, a bodyguard, a limo and a manager. Have your manager go up to security and tell them you are DJ Schmooz from the Meisters of Ceremony. While your manager enters into an argument because nobody has heard of you, have him, or her, start a scene and in the confusion crawl between the legs of the security guards and into the festival. Live the dream!
Option 3 – Become the boyfriend or girlfriend of one of the performers
This may sound glamorous, but it’s a tough gig. A combination of stage fright, artistic tantrums and fragile egos can make musical artists some of the most challenging partners out there. They’re going to need a lot of support, encouragement and space to create. Frankly it’s not going to be worth it unless you really love them. But if you do, then there’s no better place to watch the one you love than from the wings of the stage. The drinks are free too!
Option 4 – Enter via a complicated network of tunnels
Paris is a veritable Swiss cheese of navigable subterranean passageways from the metro and storm water drains to the mysterious “catacombs” (a system of tunnels excavated throughout history, mainly for the purpose of providing stone for the buildings above). You will need a torch and a secret map. Find a hidden entrance to the catacombs not too far from La Villette. Follow the map until you are directly under the Grande Halle. Lift up a manhole cover and integrate into the crowd making sure you close the manhole cover behind you so that nobody falls in. Feel the vibes!
Option 5 – Become a performer at the festival
To be clear, all acts have now been booked for the 2016 Festival, but if you are good at music then you could always try to go on a reserve list in case somebody is sick. If you’re not good at music then they say it takes 10 000 hours of hard work to become a virtuoso. Do the maths: that’s just over a year. Before starting, check that you have the personality traits mentioned in option 3. Then, become a master performer and get booked for Pitchfork 2017. Rock out!
If none of the above suit you, then a three-day ticket is €120 and one day tickets are €54 each. Maybe you could borrow the money and pay it back when you’re famous. The line up includes M.I.A, Nick Murphy, DJ Shadow, Bat for Lashes and a host of other musical luminaries. Enjoy!